I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.