Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.