Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.