“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot