“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
WTF IS THAT!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me