A lion walks into a bar.
Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
I’m a wealth of knowledge
Unless you want it to be true
Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics
2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.