@Snarfernini

I’m a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors

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@AntiJokeJamal

A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.

@trevso_electric

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@iwearaonesie

Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question

@catstronomical

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

@mewritesgood

Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.