.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.