I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Yup.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard