Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?