I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus