Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

🏙👨🏼

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.