Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

oh she’s cooked

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.