Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this