Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.