Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.