Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

thanks auntie mary

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

lmfao come on

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.