I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?