I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Voting is the worst group project
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.