I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
👾👾👾
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.