I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
You Might Also Like
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea