Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.