im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Suuuuure
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.