Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!