I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Trumpy Cat
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch