I’m about to risk it all
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
