I’m about to risk it all
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i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Why is this me 😫
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Attacked by a mop.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.