I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
🐕🍷
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies