I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.