Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Plant care tips

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

I see a badly-tied bin liner.