I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!