Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.