I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?