Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.