Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.