I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
So inspired right now.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you know, you know
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”