i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Imagine having a party on purpose.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.