Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

When can I start eating bats again.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY