Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.