i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
When your best mate counts as a desk too
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go