i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates