i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.