i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.