i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Today’s tshirt
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.