i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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Hmmmmm
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught