Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

About to form my very first opinion

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Selfie

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

I drew y’all a little something.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.