Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️