I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
oppen heimer style lol
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Remember folks 😂
