Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]