I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
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I wanna be friends with this person
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|