I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”