I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…