I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried