I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Cndnsd Mlk
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.