Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.