Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black