Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

i’m gonna allow it

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*