“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
huge if true: the moon
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
no exceptions
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
concern
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
