“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”![]()
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Yup!
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….