Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Someone just threatened to call me later

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Fight

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws