Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito