I’m aging like a fine banana
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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
PARKOUR
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day