I’m aging like a fine banana
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Wait a minute…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.