I’m aging like a fine banana
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It’s a gift
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
mom gave me mine for free
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.