Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Basically, any European coat of arms:

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down