@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

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@stereofiasco

I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

@KateQFunny

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@AndrewNadeau0

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@BenOni_Kenobi

If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.