I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

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I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.


“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.


Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.


ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.