I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
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if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…