I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me