Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.