Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

😂😂

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”