Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.