I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
No, I don’t think I will.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!