Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

ㅤ

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…