I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
i was baptized in a car wash
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I feel seen.
“What?”
– Jude
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.