im all 3
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Hmm, not sure about this change
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
translated into Canadian
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.