Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead