im all 3
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.